I haven’t been blogging much these days. Well, our helper left on 10 August. We weren’t sure whether it was for good, and I was willing to wait for her to return and ‘convince her husband to let her return’ (P thinks she had no intention of returning right from the start) and let me know at the end of August.
After Hari Raya, she smsed to say that she was not able to come back to work. I was a little sad because the kids and I had grown used to her and she knew everything we needed and no longer needed directions to be given. Christian took it surprisingly well though. Other than asking her to come back when she called us to talk to him, he simply said ‘Ok.” when I told him I was going to look for someone else to help around the house.
Anyway, the first week alone with the kids was BAD. Calista caught some bug which Christian seemed to have (we couldn’t figure out who had it first and who passed to the other, not that it matters) and was miserable. Incredibly clingy, she kept needing to be carried. I ended up cooking, hanging clothes, cleaning.. oh, and even visited the loo (is this too much info haha), whilst carrying her. Setting her down right by me while I stood up to chop stuff to make porridge for the kids would set her off and she would bawl and bawl till I carried her. I lost patience with her so many times and by the end of the week, was fantasising about running away to an island without my children. My dad helped with bathing Christian and sending him to and from school but that was about it. Oh, I forgot to mention, feeding Calista in that first week took HOURs and I felt awful wondering why she refused to open her mouth for me to put food in. She barely ate and I got more and more stressed, wondering if it was my cooking that was bad. Putting her to bed also took a looong time, during which she would cry because I refused to carry and sling her, but wanted her to go to sleep lying down. Sigh. All those struggles and fights with her took up many hours and I barely had any time to go to the bathroom, or have proper breakfasts / lunches.
I prayed to God for strength, and told Him maybe I’m not cut out for this. I was so happy when P took over her during the weekends when I brought Christian to music class and Sunday school.
Things got better after she recovered and I realise now that it was only cos she was ill. She still clamours for me to carry her almost everytime she sees me, but at least she is not inconsolable when separated from me anymore. She even crawls away to explore and play (for maybe 3 minutes) which is a great improvement.
We have a new understanding, Calista and I. I know what she wants when she babytalks (her vocabulary has shown dramatic improvement!) and she gives me meaningful stares to communicate. :) We have also progressed to me putting her to nap by sleeping myself hahaha…and she will eventually fall asleep right next to a unresponsive, uncommunicative me. =P
We are moving over to the in-laws during the Sept school break. At least I do not have to worry about cooking/ cleaning/ hanging and keeping laundry…cos the MIL cooks and the SIL’s maid can do the usual chores.. P says it’ll be a nightmare, but I’m hoping everything will turn out fine. It will certainly be a nice change of environment for the kids.. who says we need holidays out of the country?
By the way, this article written by an American priest really spoke to me. It was as if God finally answered all my thoughts and doubts -
“In John's Gospel, three times Jesus asks Peter: "Do you love me?" Three times, Peter replies that he does. On the basis of that confession of love, Jesus tells him: "In truth I tell you, when you were young you girded your own belt and you walked where you liked; but when you grow old you will stretch out your hands, and someone else will put a rope around you and take you where you would rather not go.
What has just been described is, in essence, Peter's baptism - and the dynamics of any real baptism into the church. Baptism consecrates us and consecration is a rope that takes us to where we would rather not go, namely, into the suffering that produces maturity. To consecrate means to set aside, to displace from ordinary usage, to derail from normalcy. Long before this has to do with sacred buildings, altars, chalices and vowed religious, it is descriptive of something within ordinary life.
But the best example of what church, baptism and consecration really mean is the example of having and raising children. Imagine a typical scenario. A young woman and a young man meet, fall in love, and get married. At this stage of their lives they are fairly immature. Their agenda is their own happiness and, notwithstanding that they are good-hearted and sincere, they are both still selfish with the natural self-centredness of youth. Then, without realizing the implications of this for their lives, they begin to have children. From the moment that their first child is born, unless they are very calloused, parents will, without necessarily wanting it, start to mature. What happens is that for the next 25 to 50 years, every time they turn around, a number of tiny and not so tiny hands will be stretched out, demanding something of them - their time, their energy, their money, their car keys, their understanding, their hearts. Whether they want to or not, they will mature.
And, during all these years of having and raising children, they are, in the deep meaning of those terms, consecrated, displaced and baptized. Instead of their normal agenda, they are conscriptively asked to make sacrifices in lifestyle, career, hobbies, meals out, vacations and so on. Their children stand before them daily, like Jesus before Peter, asking: "Do you love me?"
Love is baptismal. Immediately upon confessing it, our freedom is derailed and, painful though it may be, we are taken by conscription into maturity.”
