Work vs Family

Warning: Long post ahead.

I read the article “Why Women Still Can’t Have it All” published in The Atlantic last week, and so much of the article resonated with me. It is truly representative of the struggles that most working mums face in this era, especially those that are torn between wanting to stay home with their children, but still feel compelled to contribute to the household income by working.

Some choice excerpts, for the benefit of my children, to help them appreciate the internal dilemma and long conversations she had with her dad on whether she was more valuable to the family and the children by being at home or at work:

“Yet the decision to step down from a position of power—to value family over professional advancement, even for a time—is directly at odds with the prevailing social pressures on career professionals in the United States. One phrase says it all about current attitudes toward work and family, particularly among elites. In Washington, “leaving to spend time with your family” is a euphemism for being fired.”

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“When I told them I was writing this article, the lawyer said, “I look for role models and can’t find any.” She said the women in her firm who had become partners and taken on management positions had made tremendous sacrifices, “many of which they don’t even seem to realize … They take two years off when their kids are young but then work like crazy to get back on track professionally, which means that they see their kids when they are toddlers but not teenagers, or really barely at all.” Her friend nodded, mentioning the top professional women she knew, all of whom essentially relied on round-the-clock nannies. Both were very clear that they did not want that life, but could not figure out how to combine professional success and satisfaction with a real commitment to family.”

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“It is time for women in leadership positions to recognize that although we are still blazing trails and breaking ceilings, many of us are also reinforcing a falsehood: that “having it all” is, more than anything, a function of personal determination.”

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“From years of conversations and observations, however, I’ve come to believe that men and women respond quite differently when problems at home force them to recognize that their absence is hurting a child, or at least that their presence would likely help. I do not believe fathers love their children any less than mothers do, but men do seem more likely to choose their job at a cost to their family, while women seem more likely to choose their family at a cost to their job.

Many factors determine this choice, of course. Men are still socialized to believe that their primary family obligation is to be the breadwinner; women, to believe that their primary family obligation is to be the caregiver. But it may be more than that. When I described the choice between my children and my job to Senator Jeanne Shaheen, she said exactly what I felt: “There’s really no choice.” She wasn’t referring to social expectations, but to a maternal imperative felt so deeply that the “choice” is reflexive.

Regardless, it is clear which set of choices society values more today. Workers who put their careers first are typically rewarded; workers who choose their families are overlooked, disbelieved, or accused of unprofessionalism.

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“Many women of my generation have found themselves, in the prime of their careers, saying no to opportunities they once would have jumped at and hoping those chances come around again later. Many others who have decided to step back for a while, taking on consultant positions or part-time work that lets them spend more time with their children (or aging parents), are worrying about how long they can “stay out” before they lose the competitive edge they worked so hard to acquire.”

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The culture of “time macho”—a relentless competition to work harder, stay later, pull more all-nighters, travel around the world and bill the extra hours that the international date line affords you—remains astonishingly prevalent among professionals today. Nothing captures the belief that more time equals more value better than the cult of billable hours afflicting large law firms across the country and providing exactly the wrong incentives for employees who hope to integrate work and family. Yet even in industries that don’t explicitly reward sheer quantity of hours spent on the job, the pressure to arrive early, stay late, and be available, always, for in-person meetings at 11 a.m. on Saturdays can be intense”

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“While employers shouldn’t privilege parents over other workers, too often they end up doing the opposite, usually subtly, and usually in ways that make it harder for a primary caregiver to get ahead. Many people in positions of power seem to place a low value on child care in comparison with other outside activities. Consider the following proposition: An employer has two equally talented and productive employees. One trains for and runs marathons when he is not working. The other takes care of two children. What assumptions is the employer likely to make about the marathon runner? That he gets up in the dark every day and logs an hour or two running before even coming into the office, or drives himself to get out there even after a long day. That he is ferociously disciplined and willing to push himself through distraction, exhaustion, and days when nothing seems to go right in the service of a goal far in the distance. That he must manage his time exceptionally well to squeeze all of that in.

Be honest: Do you think the employer makes those same assumptions about the parent? Even though she likely rises in the dark hours before she needs to be at work, organizes her children’s day, makes breakfast, packs lunch, gets them off to school, figures out shopping and other errands even if she is lucky enough to have a housekeeper—and does much the same work at the end of the day.”

The discipline, organization, and sheer endurance it takes to succeed at top levels with young children at home is easily comparable to running 20 to 40 miles a week. But that’s rarely how employers see things, not only when making allowances, but when making promotions. Perhaps because people choose to have children? People also choose to run marathons.”

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I’ve only been home for 3 weeks; my last day of work was officially on 24th June. I had originally intended to stay home for 3 months and decide after that whether I want to be a SAHM or go back to work. I felt happy with the thought of being home with my children, and relieved at thinking that my husband and I had finally made peace with my decision to be home for awhile.

Alas, I’ve had two opportunities presented to me without my actively seeking them out. “Alas” because the opportunities were attractive enough for me to be struck with the dilemma of “to work or to stay home” all over again. I do enjoy being home, and I want to be home..but is it more important for me to be home now, or during my children’s years in primary school? Do I bring more ‘value’ to my family by being home or being at work? And if the answer is “Home”, then “Now or later?”

P said those questions cannot be answered because we only have ONE life to live and it is impossible to compare (reminds me of the Robert Frost poem). But I do think that if staying home now is only for MY benefit, for me to enjoy their cutest years, then I’d rather not. I’d rather be home when they need me to guide them in their schoolwork more. Of course, the ideal situation is to not have to choose at all, to not have to choose between staying home now vs staying home later, but in this society of DINKs, and double-income families, I feel like I owe it to my family to be contributing to the coffers as well.

And so, I have accepted an offer to start work in September again. This is way earlier than I expected and I know that I will miss my time home with them. =S Well, let’s pray that this temporary deferment of stay-home-motherhood is for the best, for all of us.