Letter to my 3 year old

To my dear Christian

This letter is long overdue.. I've been meaning to pen down my thoughts but, as you might understand, things have been rather busy around the house these days. Snatches of ideas and thoughts come to me at the weirdest hour, when I'm feeding your meimei, or when I lie awake at night after a midnight pumping session, unable to sleep.

How do I begin to tell you all that I wish to tell you; how do I even begin to describe all that makes you, you? As daddy says, that might fill a book.. and indeed your days are filling up this blog, post by post.

The past 3 years have been a whirlwind. We cannot imagine life Before Christian, nor can we remember much of it (though I do wistfully look back to those days with rose-tinted glasses, whenever you kiddos give me grief and I wish daddy and I were a carefree couple living a DINK (for your benefit, Double-Income-No-Kids) lifestyle. Some parents will shudder to tell their children that they wish for a life without their children, but I believe in keeping in real. And besides, by the time you read this letter, you should be able to understand that parents are people with their own friends and need for personal time too.

However, I say wholeheartedly, you are the shining joy of our lives and our days are much richer thanks to your presence. Seeing flashes of ourselves in you makes us proud, and yet concerned.. we wish for you to avoid the same mistakes we've made, to overcome the same personality weaknesses.. but I suppose we'll have to learn to let you make your own mistakes and that going through the failures will be the only way you can learn.

Parenthood is full of worry. We worry about your health, your frequent colds, your school life, whether you enjoy school.. we worry when your teacher asks us to practise holding pencils with you,  when your teacher tells us you are one of two children in class who have yet to master holding a pen and writing steady lines.. we worry about your behaviour in class.. whether the friends in school are teaching you bad habits of shouting and rowdy antics.. we worry about you being too dependent on us; about not speaking enough mandarin to you, and whether you will cope with primary school in future. Your father and I discuss trends in the working world.. trying to identify skills which would be most important in future so we know what to develop in you (is it knowing many languages? or having depth of knowledge and vocabulary in a single language? regurgitation of facts vs creative thinking? Well.. you get the idea.)

Parenthood is also like walking a tightrope - we have to balance between allowing you to explore and grow into your own person, and not being too permissive at the same time. Then when we try to teach you and guide you, we have to be careful not to be too restrictive and stifle your personality.

Much of the conversation between your Daddy and I these days are all about you, and increasingly, your sister. This is because you are the centre of our lives and I think about you every single hour.

You make us laugh heartily, and often. We laugh when you prove yourself to be quite the diplomat (Case in point 1 
Me: do you like Godma or Godpa more? Ch: I like Mama.. and Daddy.. and Godma. *pause* and Godpa too!
Case in point 2
Me: Don't you like mama anymore? (when he asks me to drive, and for gonggong to sit at the back of the car with him.) 
Ch: I like Mama... i like mama a lot.. but.. *thinks of how to get himself out of this, then proclaims* I like Mama, that's why I want you to drive.) 


We smile at your advanced negotiating skills, your innocence and your big-heartedness. Your enthusiasm for life puts us to shame. You teach us how to find joy in the simplest things like bubbles or a long soak in the bath. No matter how terrible we feel after a day of work, looking at you makes us forget everything else.

Thank you darling, for coming into our lives. Having you is such a joy, and such great responsibility.  The past 3 years of watching you grow and growing along with you have been challenging and rewarding as we see your personality emerge, and realise the beauty of God's creation and how great His love for us must be. We only pray that we'll be able to do our best, and that our best is enough for you.

Lots of love
Mama
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Christian at Day 1, 6 months, 1 year, 18 months, 2 years, 2.5 years and 3 years old.

Christian's 1st school performance

His school had a end-of-year concert yesterday at Biopolis auditorium. I was impressed with the costume, the multimedia used, the choreography of the dances, and the skits. What a world of difference from my K2 concert in an open-air CC.

I felt a swell of pride surge within me when I saw him appear on stage, in a silver futuristic costume. He seemed quite lost though, and his actions weren't always synchronised with that of his classmates'. I wonder if it's cos he was scanning the audience for me. During the finale, when all the children from all the classes performed together, he managed to spot me sitting far behind and waved so excitedly. I saw him beam and point at me, telling his teacher (presumedly) "that's my mama! that's my mama!", forgetting to dance. =7 

Christian on the Potty

Christian was prattling on and on so Mama had to exhort: "SSShhh..use your muscles and push your ng-ng out ok?"

Ch (pointing to his arms) Mama i have bone here and muscles too. I use my arms and push my stomach.

Mama: You have muscles in your stomach too. You can use your stomach muscles and push *makes a constipated face in attempt to gain compliance*

Ch (now pointing to his stomach): Why do i have muscles?

Mama: You have muscles everywhere.

Ch: Mama why don't i have bone in my stomach?
(wow that's a logical question..i.e. why do we have muscles everywhere but not bones everywhere)

Mama: Er...cos if there's bone in your stomach, your stomach can't expand after you eat food. The bone will block your expanding stomach. But i'm just guessing. You'll have to ask God yourself next time, if you see Him.

Ch: Oh. Where's God?

Mama: Erm.. in heaven, and in your heart.

Ch: Why is he in my heart? Can I take him out and talk to God?

Mama (stumped): Erm...No you can't take him out.

Ch: Why? Why can't I take him out and talk to God?

Mama: Cos he likes to stay in your heart.

*escapes to the room and asks the helper to help him off the potty*

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Gosh. It's time to research on how to educate preschoolers bout God.

Letter to my 3 month old

Dear Calista

You'll be 3 months old tomorrow! It's amazing how quickly that happened...we've gotten into the groove of things, you and I, and a nice rhythm has been established. I've gotten used to the waking up, juggling between you and your korkor. Too bad I'm returning to work next week. I'm sure that will change things somewhat.

We've gotten to know you better after these few months.

You generally sleep well at night.. going to bed between 10pm - 11pm and waking up around 4 / 5 am for a feed, and another time at 7 / 9 am (daytime sleep is another matter altogether), waking for good only at 11am. Although I'd prefer that you wake up at 7am everyday so I can feed you before going to work next time, I'm just grateful that you usually go right back to sleep after the night feeds, allowing me to do the same. You hardly poop at night now, saving me from having to do diaper changes and waking you up in the process. We believe that your good sleep is thanks to the swaddle i bought. What a great investment that has been!


Snug in the swaddle

(I can still remember the nightmarish first months of your korkor's life.. when he would cry and cry from 11pm - 5am, leaving me and our then-helper exhausted from all the rocking / soothing.)  

You hardly sleep in the daytime though.. and even if we manage to get you to snooze, you hardly sleep for more than 30 mins at a go. I'm still waiting for the stage where we can progress to 3 distinct naps, but right now, you generally fall asleep after Ida slings you, after which we will carefully put in your yao lan. 

You hardly cry for milk too.. you'd wait patiently, cooing in Ida's arms (i think you recognise that it's not mama carrying you so no point trying to seek milk), or give little mews signifying hunger, latching on hungrily when i eventually offer some nourishment. :) You are generally a happy and content baby, mewing only when you've been ignored and left in your rocker for too long or when you are really hungry. I know that sleep trumps feeding for you though. This is evident from the many times I've tried to make you drink more to relieve me from engorgement, only to be met with your stubbornly pursed lips. You'd even scowl and let out a mini-wail to indicate your displeasure if i try too ardently, upon which I know to give it up (you'd close your eyes, give a deep sigh and go back to being the sweet angel once i give up and start swaying while carrying you). I only hope that this does not mean you'll be a difficult eater!

So much on your sleep and feeding habits! But your life is currently made up largely of these. Other than that, we've learnt that you can spend long periods entertaining yourself, before giving a mini-howl for your slaves to get their act together and pay you some attention.

Staring intently at one of your favorite things

We've also learnt that, unlike your brother, you are not so much of a wimp and would not protest upon being put into the bath water or when being changed. You've also developed stronger neck muscles, discovered your hands, gumming your right hand with relish, and started blowing saliva bubbles (eww). I've also learnt that you are not very athletic..you tolerate at most 4 minutes of tummy time and a few clunks onto the mattress before protesting furiously until we turn you over.

Tired of tummy time

Your brother has learnt to share his parents with you, and is truly fond of you. He'll make allowances for you in his plans to distribute any imaginary loaves of bread he has, in addition to slices for him, daddy and me. He'll also include you in plans such as going to Nai nai's house (though it took him some time to come to terms with not being the exclusive patron of Nai nai's house). We are sure that you two will learn to love and play with each in future (and then mama and daddy can scoot off on dates! =P)

The smiles that you give us when we look into your eyes and talk to you are such beautiful gifts from Him. It is truly one of my current greatest pleasures in life to see you grin so widely your eyes disappear, and give a little wiggle of delight whenever I initiate contact with you. You love to 'talk' too, especially to mama and gonggong..seeing the myriad expressions which accompany your talk, we are sure you'll be as much of a chatterbox as your brother currently is, in future.

Talking with Daddy

Things have not been too difficult thus far and I'm grateful. I thank God for giving me such a sweet little girl, and for giving me you after your brother, and not before. That he was such a handful makes us more appreciative of your easy-going nature. Grow well (but not too quickly), little girl. We love you lots and cherish these early days when you still want to be carried and cuddled.

Love,
mama

the protective son

He said he wanted to flush his sister down the toilet the other day. i was surprised at his unusual outburst cos he's usually quite loving towards his meimei. when asked why he wanted to (in his own words: "flush her down the toilet bowl, then the water will flow over her and she'll go down the pipes and get stuck") do that to her, he said

"cos she bites mama". (he thinks she bites me when she feeds.)

This must be related to an incident on another day, when i was carrying her in front of him and laughingly commented she's so hungry she's eating my hand (she was trying to latch onto my arm). he took it quite literally though, and immediately came over, put his palm on her forehead and pushed her away, saying "cannot eat mama."

I must be more careful about what I say around him.

Sleep configurations

Christian had been sleeping with my parents ever since Calista was born. He first moved out of our room because she was a newborn who kept waking up, then cos he was having a cold / cough and we didn't want him to pass to her, then cos he had chicken pox and went to stay at my mum's house.

I felt immensely guilty every time I hear him say "i want to sleep with mama" / "i want mama to make me sleep".
On nights when I'm able to, I'll put him to bed by telling him stories / singing lullabies, but I find that it takes me very long to put him to bed cos he's so afraid i'll leave him. Often, he'll be ostensibly asleep (i'll feel his involuntary leg-jerks / slower, deeper breaths) when i leave the room, but he'll shout and cry the minute i leave the room and close the door. Sigh. This makes it very difficult as Calista often wants to feed around that time. I think it'll be much better once I stop b/feeding..

Anyway, three nights ago, my helper said he heard my voice whilst i was in the living room and told her 'i want mama'. Guilt overcame me and i decided to let him try and sleep with us in the same room. The first night was not so bad. She woke at 3-something am and he stirred a little, stretched his hand out to check i was there, and went back to sleep once i shushed him. The second night was terrible. He slept on a mattress on the floor, cried / threw an irrational tantrum at 1-something am. I had to wait till he was soundly asleep before daring to pump at 2.50am, and Calista woke demanding to be fed at 3.40am. All was well till 6am, when she wanted to feed again, and woke her brother up. He's such a light sleeper, i didn't even dare to turn the night lamp on and change her diaper, and now her bottom's a little red. It was difficult putting her back to bed at 6-something am cos her brother was fully awake and started talking, so i kicked P and asked him to bring Ch out.. All of us ended up sleep-deprived. Ch threw a tantrum and didn't want to go to school again.. and my mum said he yawned 3 times on the way to school. P looked zombified in the morning. As for me... well... i slept with the little one till 11.15am =P

Sigh. We are now back to him sleeping with my parents. It's not ideal, but i suppose it's for the best given how he's a light sleeper.

(on a related point, he's started querying - "why meimei feed and feed and feed? why she drink milk so many times?" *grin)

Mama in the pig-sty

I'd put a mud mask from the Dead Sea on my face yesterday, and decided to leave it on till Ch came back from school, to amuse myself with his reaction.

He was certainly most disturbed when he saw me.

Kept repeating "WHY is your face black, mama???" the minute he stepped in the house, even amidst my mum's exhortations to go wash his hands.

I smiled and said I decided not to wash my face. Half-truth, but still disturbing to the little boy. "Why didn't you wash your face, mama?" "Mama! Go wash your face! EEEEeee... i don't like you.." I smiled and tried to kiss him. He withdrew in half-horror and screamed "NO...! Cannot kiss me...! I don't like black.. Mama wash your face!"

I rolled my eyes at his innate racism and tried to tell him there's nothing wrong with being black. Didn't work.

"Why is your face black mama?"

Me: Because I put some mud on my face.

Ch: Why you put mud on your face?

Me: Erm.. i put mud on my face cos it'll make my face look nice after I wash it off.

Ch (ignores what was said and formulates his own theory): Ooooh.... Mama! You go to the pig stay just now right?

Me: ahhaha...pig sty??

Ch: Yes! You went to the pig sty and you ask the pig, 'Pig, can I play with you?' and the pig said 'Yes' and you rolled rolled rolled in the mud and you got mud on your face.. right?

Me: Hahaha..
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Later in the night, before I put him to bed, I tell him that whether i'm black-faced or not, he must still love his mama cos his mama is the same mama who loves him. He frowns a little, then figures out an escape route..

"Mama.. but I don't like blaaaack... i like blue! Mama, if you go to the pig sty and play in the blue mud and your face is blue, your hair is blue, your nose your mouth is blue, then i'll like you and i'll let you kiss me ok?"

-_-""

The stomach, heart and God

Ch: I like mama and meimei.

...

When i like mama and meimei, God is in my stomach right? (he apparently remembers me saying "God is in your heart when you love someone.)

Me (smiling): No, God is in your heart.

Ch: Oh. the heart pumps.. the heart pumps..

Me: Yes, the heart pumps blood around your body.

Ch: I like mama and meimei a lot. Mama and meimei are in my heart right?

Me: Erm.. yes.. God is there when you love us.

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It's amazing what information children retain and spew back at us, even if it seems like they are not listening at times.

(And it is apparent that for this little guy, the starting premise for everything is his stomach.)

Christian learns to love and share

I ordered some organic bananas from the local farm and told Ch I had a special treat for him. Hinted by asking "what do monkeys love to eat?" Him: "Peanuts!" Me: "Erm yes.. but this is yellow..."

"Bananas!"

Played "Spot the bananas" in the kitchen and we each peeled one to eat. I saw that his was a little overripe at the bottom so swopped his for mine. Christian asked why I took his and I explained that it was a little mushy and shouldn't be eaten. He asked again, "why I eat this and you eat that, mama" and I understood what he was really asking.

I explained that when you love someone, you want to give them the best, and that's why I gave him the better fruit. He absorbed what was said silently, then asked me to throw the spoilt portion away.

I gave little thought to what I said, until about half an hour later, when he came bouncing to me, offering me one of his guava slices. He would normally share his guava with everyone, but he looked around the slices seriously this time round, and said "I give you the biggest slice, mama." *smile*

He continued this after dinner, when he offered me his precious berrydophilus vitamin (which tastes more like a sweet frankly). I said no absentmindedly but was struck by his unusual persistence. Realised he must be trying to apply what I'd said to him earlier, and thus accepted one gratefully. I was bemused as the internal struggle to let go of his treasured vitamin played out on his face, but he managed to put the little chewable vitamin into my mouth (staring long after it went in tho, haha) after all.

Christian, the cake fanatic

Christian attended his classmate's birthday party last Saturday. The party was held at the pool we usually go to, within Mt Faber Safra. He had so much fun and was so shameless in hanging around the main celebration area, taking the initiative to sing her a birthday song before asking where the cake was *shakes head*

It was great to see him so excited and delighted to be around his classmates in a different setting.

However, when we finally got to the cake-eating part, it was amusing yet worrying seeing how much he loves cake. 

He could barely resist touching the cake and kept wanting to hang around the cake after the first cut was made. I had to drag him away so the birthday girl could take pictures with her family without his face in them. He hung around the periphery of action, all the time eyeing the cake. When she finally came to him with a piece, he thanked her, grabbed his treasure and wanted to wolf it down. I pulled him to a table, sat him on my lap and began asking.. 

"Please may I have some? We are supposed to share this piece right? C'mon, please share". 

He fended me off with "NO. NO. NO" whilst using his elbow to guard his cake from my open mouth. 

I tried again (at this juncture perhaps i need to justify my preying on his cake. he's so prone to coughs and colds that we try very hard not to let him eat sweet stuff / cookies / cakes / wheat / white bread) - 

"Christian... *mock pout* Mama doesn't have any cake.. can I have some please??"

He dismisses my request with: "Go ask from Joy yourself."

I make an astonished/bemused face at his brilliant rebuttal and P, who was sitting opposite us, grinned. 

Christian devoured most of the beloved cake and finally gave it up to us after I used emotional blackmail - 

"Remember...i told you.. if you love someone you'll want to give him / her the best.. you'll give him what you think is good.."


He paused, stared at what was left on his plate before pushing it to me.

"Ok."