Why do mama and daddy quarrel?
From time to time, this question is bound to pop up in your innocent minds.
Why do 2 persons who are clearly in love with each other, whose interests are aligned in most respects, get into squabbles that sometimes turn furious?
The answer is simple: The basic reason that people argue is that not everyone thinks or sees things in the same way.
Differences in perception tend to get magnified by differences in personalities.
And differences in personalities are, fortunately or unfortunately, what draws two people together (either in friendship or in love) in the first place. Hence the popularisation of the term: “opposites attract”.
Your mama is an observer, and your daddy is a thinker.
Mama is good (very good) at paying attention to, and remembering, what is said or done. That is why she makes a good blogger – not everyone can remember in minute detail and render in vibrant colours the mundane happenings of the day. Her heightened sense of observation causes her to be sensitive to perceived inadequacies/ineptitudes (e.g., Why are you so slow/forgetful? Get on with the program!), vulnerable to praise/insults and eager to hold others to their promises.
Daddy is adept at generating ideas (both good and bad ones). Like many men, his mind tends to focus on problems and solutions rather than people, words, events, dates or emotions. Very little is taken at face value, almost everything perceived by the senses is associated, classified and analysed (e.g., You must be slow/forgetful because you suffer from some deficiency in minerals. Let me find some way to remedy that.). A minor observation (Mama saying that Christian was inattentive in class today) can lead to a thesis on what the problem is likely to be, what root cause of the problem is, and what we need to do as parents.
As you must be aware by now, neither of your parents are do-ers by nature. This is an obvious source of grief for Mama (who constantly berates daddy for his obvious lack of interest in planning his life on an hour-by-hour basis) and Daddy (who gets into a lot of anguish whenever he remembers ideas that were neglected or not implemented).
It is important to recognise the effect that differences in personalities can have, because we have found that, from as early as birth, Kor Kor is a thinker (like Daddy) and Mei Mei is an observer (like Mama).
Christian’s personality explains why he is inattentive (daydreams) in class and loves to talk about the impossible or the future – “I am Flash! Zooooom!” “When I am a Daddy, I will call my son Eric” “When I grow up I will stay with Mama and give her all of my $$$”. Son, a piece of advice: The great danger in always speaking about the future (not that you can help it) is that your Mama the observer will recall everything you say (to us, only an expression of our sincere hope) as a PROMISE/GUARANTEE.
Mei mei’s personality explains why she loves to be a spectator. Her favourite phrases include “I want play the playground!” (euphemism for people-watching) “I want to see the children” “I want see meow meow” and “I want to see birds”.
Identifying and understanding your differences in personalities is key to many aspects of managing your lives. For starters, Daddy anticipates that you will experience a lot of frustration with each other in the future, even though (like Daddy and Mama) you love each other very much. This is because Mei Mei will see more at the skin-deep level (which Kor Kor does not care about), whereas Kor Kor will tend to over-analyze things (which Mei Mei does not get).
It may seem counterintuitive, but the differences in personalities also explain why Calista “prefers” the company of Daddy and Christian wants to be near Mama. There is affinity between observers and thinkers because observers are amused and entertained by the antics of the thinkers, whereas thinkers find the stability and companionship of observers attractive. Ironically, it is more difficult for two persons of the same personality to be comfortable with each other, because they occupy the same space and find less room to express themselves.
By observing the two of you in your most guileless, unrestrained and larger-than-life forms, we have learnt much about ourselves and each other. It is almost as if God has given us a time machine to see ourselves as you are.
Because of our own experiences in life, knowing that you guys share our personalities helps us as parents, in terms of understanding, managing and developing you. In striving to treat you as fairly and equally as possible (however unrealistic this might be), we have to be mindful that you stand to benefit most from activities that are suited to your different personalities.
Our observation is that Christian is happiest when engaging his creative/imaginative side (e.g., constructing Lego models, making “cake” or “chocolate”, going for art classes). We will try to let him have more exposure to activities involving design and initiative.
Calista enjoys observing, internalising and retrieving – traits well suited for music/dance and speech and drama. We will try to let her engage in activities that make good use of her memory and eye for detail.
In times when one or both of you experience anger, frustration or hurt with each other, we hope that you will have a chance to read this and remember how you are made differently, and be able draw on Mama and Daddy’s experience in overcoming each other’s differences.
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Editor’s / Mama’s note: Boy was I impressed when your Daddy sent me this. So insightful and what an interesting read. Your Daddy and I do complement each other, and if he keeps this up, our blog will be a nice mix of blog posts narrating the everyday, and thought-provoking posts like the above. I only have one point to add though, and that is a word of caution – Nobody is one dimensional, and nobody can get through life simply by being a Thinker, a Doer or an Observer.
So, we need to be mindful that we cannot hide behind personality labels and use that as an excuse for avoiding things that do not come so naturally to us. Labels only help to identify our natural inclinations, but we need to work at developing our weaknesses after they are identified.
For example, I come up with lots of to-do lists at work and also when managing personal errands. This helps me to keep track of things and trains me to be more of a doer by giving me a sense of accomplishment whenever I tick a task off the list.
Oh well you are probably tired of this letter by now. Thank you for reading this far and hopefully some of this will get you thinking about personalities, relationships, and attitude in life.
Lots of love,
Daddy and Mama
